Gusher: Eating Disorders

I've spent a lot of today reading anorexia and bulimia blogs, and it just breaks my friggin' heart.  It really does.  I mean, I found some inspiring words... inspiring, in their own twisted context.  Things about how no food tastes as good as being thin feels... I think I'm going to use that every time I'm thinking about shoving something bad in my face.

But the thing that just really irks me is that I see these people freaking out about their boyfriends and girlfriends, or potential boyfriends and girlfriends, not wanting them because they are "fat."  Now, I realize that sufferers of eating disorders experience intense body dysmorphia and see themselves as "fat" when they're on the brink of "skeleton."  But I just want to grab them by the shoulders and SHAKE THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!!!!

I am a fat girl.  I am also engaged.  I have been fat most of my life (there were brief periods of thinness, but they didn't last long).  I have had a lot of boyfriends.  And a couple of girlfriends (ooh la la!).  I have had a lot of sex.  And I'm not lying about my weight.  That is how much I weigh.  I am a big girl...  I flatter myself and tell myself that I carry it rather well, but that's beside the point.  I have a flabby belly and fat arms and thighs that touch and back fat...

But that all is relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  It doesn't affect the kind of music that I listen to, the books I read, the perfume I wear, the bags I carry, the shoes on my feet, my ability to play the guitar, or my singing voice.  I think I have a pretty face, still, and I do my makeup every day, and I straighten my hair, and I go to work.  I have an eyebrow piercing, and I used to have my lip and my nose done, too.  I go to concerts and I go shopping.  I like tequila and I laugh my ass off at websites like  I like The Mighty Boosh, and I swap fart jokes with my fiancee, and I email my mother...  All of this I do, even though I'm fat.

Being fat doesn't make me a different person from what I would be thin.  I know I would be happier thin, but I'm still damned cool, no matter my size.  So if you think your significant other or your potential significant other wouldn't be interested if you were fat, I think it says more about THEM than it does YOU, doesn't it?  You're just assuming that these people are that shallow - that they wouldn't love you if you gained weight.  Maybe your body was what initially attracted them to you, but the reason they've stuck around is because there's something else going on there... like a shared passion for John Denver or something, I don't know.  But it's there.

Anyone struggling with an eating disorder (whether you're fat or thin) needs to realize that your size isn't the determining factor for who you are and what people see in you.  I hear a lot about exercising CONTROL in your life through controlling the calories you throw up or that you consume during the day.  Fantastic.  Why don't you take that energy - that need to control things - and become a mother?  They're fantastic at that.  Or why don't you control the onslaught of mold in your tub?  Why don't you take up baking, where a lack of control over the ingredients you put into it results in some pretty effed up cookies.

The point I'm trying to make here is that self-love is so vital.  It's so important to understand that the love you receive from significant others, family, and friends is unconditional (in most circumstances).  It doesn't revolve around your size.  It revolves around who you are as a person, and if you think you have nothing to offer as a person... I hate to tell you this, but nobody else in your life feels the same way.



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