NOPE: Not One Puff Ever

I need to quit smoking, y'all.  That should be my first damned priority... ok, one of them.  But I find myself out of breath when I really shouldn't be, and I taste that nasty phlegmy stuff when I get my heart rate up and start breathing heavier...  It's nasty.  Good god.  Smoking makes me look so COOL though, and it's the only break I get during the day at work!

Ok, so I need to change my perception.  Smoking doesn't make me look cool.  It makes me smell stinky and it's holding me back from being healthy.  The nicotine addiction is part of it, but I'm kind of a balls-to-the-wall person, and smoking reminds me to take a break to de-stress for a moment.  I know the act of smoking doesn't actually relieve stress.  Nicotine is a stimulant.  I know this.  I'm not stupid.  But it's a lot less stressful than staring at spreadsheets at work for 8 hours straight and trying to find more money than there is...

My dad was a life-long smoker, but he told me to try drinking a big glass of water every time I feel like I want to smoke.  That might help me get my water intake for the day...  But how am I going to get my 5 minute breaks at work, and what am I going to do with those breaks???

Tonight the goal is to go for a walk when I get home from work, and then go to the grocery store.  I also need to call my bank because I never got my replacement debit card... March 09 has come and gone, and I now have no access to my cash.  Boohoo.  Not like there was a ton there to start with...

I'm afraid to do higher-intensity cardio because I know my lung capacity is shit from the smoking.  Maybe if I just ease in... something is better than nothing, I keep telling myself, but I'm finding that the scale says that that's not true.  I'm sitting steady around 240, and that's no good.  Even though I've changed the way I eat during the daytime, I'm still gorging at night with Jon and not getting any exercise.  I need a dramatic weight loss in the first week like I used to do when I was a teenager and would sporadically count calories...  Now I know that I'm 10 years older and I can't expect 20 pounds to come off in a week, but come on now...

But the smoking is a real hindrance.  That needs to stop.  Cold turkey.  But it's so much fun...  Grr.

I've told myself I'm not allowed to go to grad school until I'm at a reasonable weight (say, under 190).  Is that stupid?

I am so fucking frustrated right now...  I cannot WAIT for passover so I get that week off...  5 1/2 more business days, y'all....