But I didn't. I didn't feel like cooking when I got home, so I just nuked a Lean Cuisine. It was sufficient. I had a Skinny Cow bar for dessert. I was satisfied.
But I did have a little bit of a scare yesterday... maybe I'm not doing the right thing? I was following my plan rigidly, and I stood up from my desk at one point during the day and felt like I was going to pass out. I got really worried. I probably just got a head rush from standing up too fast, but all of these things started flashing through my head: is what I'm doing unhealthy? Am I not giving myself enough calories to function? Maybe my obesity has lead to Type 2 Diabetes, and I'm feeling the effects of low blood sugar.
These are all excuses to give up. And I was tempted. I panicked a little bit, and thought for a brief moment that everything would be ok if I shoved a cheeseburger down my throat.
But I thought about it again. I thought about what the scale had read yesterday morning, and what it was going to read this morning. I thought about being able to run again, about not having a hard time standing up, about not having my belly sitting in my lap all day at work.
So I stuck to my plan. I ate my lunch (half a pb&j and some snow peas with salsa), I ate my snack later, I ate my Lean Cuisine and my Skinny Cow. I was ok. But I very nearly wasn't.
This did scare me in a very real way. I don't want to be miserable on a diet, because to get where I "should" be, I'd need to lose over 100 pounds, and that is going to take a while (in reality, I probably shouldn't lose quite that much... I'm large-breasted and always have been, even in my brief moments of "thinness" throughout my life... if I weighed 135, which is what the BMI tells me I should weigh, I might be sick... but I'll see where I'm at once I get close). Ok, even if I lost the 85 that I'm hoping for (160 would feel pretty good), it's still going to take a while. I don't want to be miserable the whole way. And once I get there, I don't want to feel like I get to reward myself with food that's just going to make me blow up again. I need to find a happy medium, where I still get to eat some of the awful-for-me things that I like... just a little different. The problem is I am not a fantastic cook, so it's hard for me to reproduce stuff in my own kitchen with substitutions and controlled portions.
If I had the money, I would go to a nutritionist and a personal trainer. I am clueless about making good decisions for myself. I really am. So I'll just continue being persistent where I'm at. It's working... but at what cost? I have to do some heavy thinking about what kind of nutrients I'm putting into my body... I might be reducing calories and losing weight, but I didn't feel so happy yesterday. Not at all.
I also did some reading on fat acceptance last night. That merits another blog post. Stay tuned.